tears

I can't do this anymore what the hell is wrong with me i'm happy i can help him and i love to see him happy but i kills me to see happy with another chick. I really hope she love him because because all that i'm feeling right now woud be for nothing. nothing left to say.

FML

So I am home after two days of a break from my mom. I am really tired of her yelling at me. For a long time I have been thinking of Fernando but its whatever i guess because like right now I am started to cry just thinking of him. I don't think he likes me the way i like him i think he wants to be with that girl. if he loves her ok then i get it I guess I want him to be happy even if its not with me. idk i hope i find someone who wants to be with me and makes me happy i hate this so much i wish it was much easier than this. i don't want to be like all the older people before me in my family. to die without real true love alone in the world with nothing but a bunch of kids with different fathers. I just don't see myself being happy that way.Supongo que el amor no era para mí. love just wasn't meant for me.i guess what they say about true love is true, that there is only one person in the world for you in a way right now i'm thinking of Fernando as a painful reminder of J.R(a boy I loved and loved me back put i fucked up the whole relationship with him and i will never see him again). I don't want JR no more I want Fernando he is like my Jacob, but in the movie Jacob liked Bella and expressed his feelings for her. i wish i can end this suffering right now but i'm to weak to do a thing like that. I'm not brave enough to commit suicide. if i do kill myself then what would the reason be because life is to hard and finding what i want in life is hard and i can't get what i want. that would just make me seem ignorant and stupid so i will tolerate this shitty life for a while longer just to see where it goes.......

Happy nofather's day

So I have a non-racist racist mother she calls all my friends crackers and she hates me. I have no fathers and basically no real mother. She still hasn't enrolled me in college :( she won't take me no where and she won't take me to get my licence. i hate this place i am forced to call home. Fernando is still gone but he calls me everyday i miss him tons he is the only person who makes me truly happy but i guess if he is the one for me he will come back right? I don't know but today i am going to the beach with Jimmy's family so i guess at least i have Jimmy he is my friend to. I guess i will have to say happy Father's Day to someone even though i don't have one but o well.

I spoke my heart!! he left

So i finally told Fernando how i felt it was so gay I did it threw Facebook i felt like such a dork I was shaking the hole time, but I feel happy i told him I don't know how he feels but at least I don't feel weird around him after telling him. The most amazing part of that day was when the T. mobile guy Speedy told us that we made a cute couple and he was reading my feelings for Fernando like a book and he never met us before, I mean I new it was obvious but that was like woo. anywho, the next day I went to his house I helped him pack up his stuff and on our way to put the mattress in the dumpster we park it in the parking lot and looked at the stars it was amazing i never felt so happy being with him , before i met him happiness seemed so distant. Well now that he moved back to Mexico happiness is very distant. I really hope that he don't get with his ex-girlfriend I don't know her very well, but from they way he act about there relationship its like she don't even deserve him she don't appreciate him. In other news we are making a page to keep up with each other the link will be up soon.