tears

I can't do this anymore what the hell is wrong with me i'm happy i can help him and i love to see him happy but i kills me to see happy with another chick. I really hope she love him because because all that i'm feeling right now woud be for nothing. nothing left to say.

FML

So I am home after two days of a break from my mom. I am really tired of her yelling at me. For a long time I have been thinking of Fernando but its whatever i guess because like right now I am started to cry just thinking of him. I don't think he likes me the way i like him i think he wants to be with that girl. if he loves her ok then i get it I guess I want him to be happy even if its not with me. idk i hope i find someone who wants to be with me and makes me happy i hate this so much i wish it was much easier than this. i don't want to be like all the older people before me in my family. to die without real true love alone in the world with nothing but a bunch of kids with different fathers. I just don't see myself being happy that way.Supongo que el amor no era para mí. love just wasn't meant for me.i guess what they say about true love is true, that there is only one person in the world for you in a way right now i'm thinking of Fernando as a painful reminder of J.R(a boy I loved and loved me back put i fucked up the whole relationship with him and i will never see him again). I don't want JR no more I want Fernando he is like my Jacob, but in the movie Jacob liked Bella and expressed his feelings for her. i wish i can end this suffering right now but i'm to weak to do a thing like that. I'm not brave enough to commit suicide. if i do kill myself then what would the reason be because life is to hard and finding what i want in life is hard and i can't get what i want. that would just make me seem ignorant and stupid so i will tolerate this shitty life for a while longer just to see where it goes.......

Happy nofather's day

So I have a non-racist racist mother she calls all my friends crackers and she hates me. I have no fathers and basically no real mother. She still hasn't enrolled me in college :( she won't take me no where and she won't take me to get my licence. i hate this place i am forced to call home. Fernando is still gone but he calls me everyday i miss him tons he is the only person who makes me truly happy but i guess if he is the one for me he will come back right? I don't know but today i am going to the beach with Jimmy's family so i guess at least i have Jimmy he is my friend to. I guess i will have to say happy Father's Day to someone even though i don't have one but o well.

I spoke my heart!! he left

So i finally told Fernando how i felt it was so gay I did it threw Facebook i felt like such a dork I was shaking the hole time, but I feel happy i told him I don't know how he feels but at least I don't feel weird around him after telling him. The most amazing part of that day was when the T. mobile guy Speedy told us that we made a cute couple and he was reading my feelings for Fernando like a book and he never met us before, I mean I new it was obvious but that was like woo. anywho, the next day I went to his house I helped him pack up his stuff and on our way to put the mattress in the dumpster we park it in the parking lot and looked at the stars it was amazing i never felt so happy being with him , before i met him happiness seemed so distant. Well now that he moved back to Mexico happiness is very distant. I really hope that he don't get with his ex-girlfriend I don't know her very well, but from they way he act about there relationship its like she don't even deserve him she don't appreciate him. In other news we are making a page to keep up with each other the link will be up soon.

Chapter closed

well i graduated...! i done with high school and i'm not really all that sad. i can start new and high school drama is a thing of the past. No more Brandon. I am so happy that he is out of my life i tried to see if we can give it another shot but all he wanted to was have sex with me and he didn't want a commitment and know he goes out with this girl Nikki who lives in his neighborhood she is so dumb but i don't care as much as i did if he don't want to be with someone who loves him and would do anything for him that fuck him and i don't want nothing else to do with him. so this is bog about him. In other news Fernando is an issue now i really still like him and i want to tell him before he goes back to mexico, but i still don't want our relationship to get weird. I really do feel a connection with Fernando i guess the only thing i can do is speak from the heart and tell how i feel:) ok we sort of have a date Wednesday. i hope he feels the same. I just feel in my heart that we are meant to be i don't want to mess it up.

Confused

Do you like me or not i need to know i don't know if i want you but i know i don't want no one to have you. I don't want to have sex with I want it to mean something. You say friends with benefits i say no way. i don't what no one to have you and if i cant have you then i don't want you. sometimes i feel like my mind is with you but my heart with another. My heart with the other knows nothing about it he knows how i feel about you but no about him. I get the feeling of a future with you but the feeling of affection from him. None of you care and None of you know just how long and how much i think of you two. I wish i had all the answers i wish this made since. life never does. I think i know what to say i just can't find a way.why can't love be simple. why is life so hard. will the answer come to me. I will never know........

Real World = Scary

The Pass and review Ceremony and the Gear up Dinner was Yesterday. This is the end to my beginning , school is almost over NO more ROTC and NO more Gear Up meetings. I think I'm going to cry. I scared of whats life going t be like after we cross the stage. Fernando is leaving going back to mexico and everybody is going to be spread out all over the place. I feel like i did nothing in high school. wow heart pounding fast thinking about the big day.

Conflicting Feelings

So yea I got Brandon back, but is that what I really want. I have feelings for my friend Fernando, and there not just feelings they are strong feelings. I hate feeling this way. He is a really fantastic guy. He has everything I ever wanted in a guy; cuteness, fun, tall, and knows how to cheer me up, and he actually cares. He makes me happy when everybody else is against me. If I can find someone who makes me feel the way he does then everything will be just find, but I feel as if that won't happen. It took me Four years to find a perfect guy I let one get away. I don't want to try my odds against this one. I decided I must tell him. I'm just really scared. I hope he feel the same way or not. I don't know what I want. I don't want things to be awkward that will just miss everything up. Keep you posted

He Enter My Life Again

Brandon and i are back together. I am so happy that we are together again. We still have a lot to work out, but I think if we learned from out past them we should be better than we were before. I would like to thank Fernando for bringing us back together he is awesome. This relationship well be official when he breaks up with Nikki. We are going to spend the day together on Wednesday. Jimmy and Went to Tanger Outlet yesterday, it was fun till we needed someone to pick us up. Neither one of us had a phone or new his step-mom's number we called Ally and that bitch got the nerve to say she didn't had the number I hate her. So we my drunk mom had to come get us from Wal-Mart . She did take Jimmy home so i guess that was cool. Mother's day is tomorrow. I think I will write her a letter and write Harley a letter to. Have yet to write him back.

Same Old Song

I can't help but to fight the feeling that Brandon and I are supposed to be more than what we are now. I think I love this boy. i think he love me too. I know he still feels something I can just feel it when he looks at me. Anyway Graduation moving in close Yearbook aint finished yet.

TIme is Slipping Away From Me

So I've been haveing a string of bad luck. The computer cord broke and i wasn't able to get back on the computer for awhile because it was dead and wouldn't charge. My cell phone fell in the lake at Watermakin Park, and then there is Brandon. :( He got me thinking about him again. sometime I think I might love him, but I hate the way he treats me. So I guess thats why i tend to stray away from him. He tell me he still has feelings for me and I want to talk to him before the senior finals. I want to make sure that if something good can happen to our relatioship that it happens before the year is up. I don't want him calling me out the blue telling me his feelings beacuse i will not want anything to do with him. This time after he get out my head I want him stay that way "out of my head". I think I might get Fernando to do some digging for me they seem to be cool now, but idk. speaking of Fernando his girlfriend thinks I like him. which is kinda sad that she can see it and he can't, but she thinks he likes me too. I personaly think Fer is just a flirt. Today was the senior picnic It was fun. Its sad really I will miss everybody there I've actully talked to people I've known for a long time but never really said a word to. Graduation Day is comming up fast......A little to fast if u ask me every thing seems like a blurr...

The Brandon Saga Continues

So as was I walking from Mrs. Bond's class to the Cafeteria. I thought about JR and I felt I shouldn't be walking by myself. I can't help, but realize that every time things are going wrong I think of him. I really do miss him its been four years since I saw him. I really do still think he is or was my soul mate. I ran most of my mile Friday, my inspiration was Harley even though he was there I thought of him and kept going. I hope that by the end of the school year I will be able to run at least one whole lap around the track. After I ran my lap my sister and I went to track practice to watch Fernando run while I was waiting for my ride to come pick us up. We saw Brandon there I was surprised to see him run. I didn't think he could run. Later that night he text-ed me and was telling me how he felt about me. He said he thinks he still likes me thats why He don't talk to me because he was unsure of his feelings. He said i was like crack. I really didn't know what to say until he sends me a picture of his dick. I told him he was a sex addict. he got mad at me because he thought I was joking around, but I was serious.he last thing he said to me before i went to sleep on him was fuck u. I really do worry about that boy. I have put some though tin this before i make a choice.

Not much to Say

Blah BLah BLah Nothing much to say. What a boring day. art club was today. No word from Harley. I am feeling a since of hopelessness.

What the Fernando

Today was ordinary day. I made some of me friends names into curse words. It was funny. Instead of what the fuck we. we said what the Fernando. Son of a bitch was son of a Brittany. oh damn was oh Devin. I wonder if it will catch on. other than that my day was pretty ordinary. When I got home I fell asleep and my mom caught someone trying to break in our house. I was kind of shocked. We really don't have anything of value, but the laptop I'm typing on and the DVD player in my room(the only one that isn't broken and still had an remote). Other than that there really isn't anything to steal. I have to babysit this weekend and i get $20.00 for it and then the weak after that I get then for 2 weeks. These might as well be my kinds I always have them lol. keep you posted.

Back at School

So the first day back at school was awesome in a laid back kind of way. I was looking for Harley when I got off the bus. I was kinda hoping he was still here even though I knew he was gone. My classes on the first day back was good. I really didn't do any work. Lunch well was different with out seeing Harley. I did go to the mall with Josh S. to celebrate his birthday. There was supposed to be a lot of people there, it was just me and he for four hours. Its was kind of a "eww" Factor when I thought about kissing him. It kind of was weird to actually have fun with him when its just us. The fun part was when we was on our way there and I had to urinate and I pissed in the wood on our way there. I fingered a tree on my way to the bus stop leaving the mall. That was hilarious. Today wasn't as good as the first day, but its was still pretty good. Nothing bad happened to me so i guess that means I had a good day. Well I'll keep you posted

Spring Break is Over

Well it's Sunday, and Harley is gone and I miss him I haven't talked to him since the day I left for the survival field trip. Its going to be hard not seeing him in school at lunch. Hopefully I will be able to see him In July when he goes on leave. At least he wrote me an e-mail, it made me feel a hole lot better to know he won't be totally out of my life. In other news we go back to school tomorrow. I wonder what new journeys awaits me when I get back. It seems like after every relationship ends a new one follows right behind it I hope the next guy I pick is better than all the others. Lately I've been looking back on my past Boyfriends in high school. I wonder if its me and not them. They never seem to care for me as much as I want them to or as much as i thought they did, but its whatever even the frog princess had to kiss a couple of toads to find her prince charming. I have so much faith that I will find my charming, I mean everybody has to get there happy ending at some point in there sad little life. There is no way my whole entire life is destine to be shitty. I just can't bring myself to believe that and I won't believe that. I just have to work harder to get what I want. I'll keep you posted!!

BLogging

Well i don't know when I will be able to blog again. I will try and see if I can blog in Digital Input. So here is the update on "I don't have any Friends?" I sent the text and they said O.k so I figure we are going to talk about it when we get to school. Brandon got me my charger but I won't get it till Monday. . . I figure I should be nice to him till I get the charger. I am on the look out for a job I really need one. My mom wants me to but a house with her, but thats not a good idea. I need to be free, I can't take another year living with her. I should look online, but online job searching is hard I will keep you posted...

I have No Friends???

I been thinking Brittany and Tiara are supposed to be my BFFs forever. Why aren't we friends no more. I don't want to walk across the stage knowing that would be the last time I see them again. We all said some things that were not exactly nice. I'm going to send out the text to rekindle our friendship, I hate not being able to talk to them. I really do miss them. I can't let 5 years go down the drain. I'm not going to let it end like this. I can't do that. I have to try. trying never hurt.

Missing my Love

Why can't I get him out my head. Why should I love you when you love her. I get it she's having your baby, but she don't deserve you. I'm the one standing here with open arms ready to give you my heart but you won't take it. you want her heart. she doesn't want your heart.this don't make no sense to me but, it doesn't matter now your gone I can't see till July, then its back to the Army. Harley......how did this happen???

My Recent thoughts

So I have came to a decision about my Brandon problem. I figured that he will never change. All he cares about is sex and he doesn't care who he hurts to get it. I am not strong enough to resist him when he wants me, so the best thing for me is to stop being friends with him. I can't be friends with him, my self-esteem can't take that kind of abuse no more. I deserve better and I want better for myself. I can't be a better person with people like him bringing me down. I just hope that one day he will learn his lesson and stop treating girls the way he does. I feel so sorry for both him and his girlfriend. She is so stupid not to see that he cheats on her with anything with a vagina. I want to tell her that I fucked him, but that won't make anything better. she knows that he cheated on her once, she is still with him. I guess you have to let people make their own mistakes.

This could be the start of a scandal....

So I went to see my ex boyfriend Brandon today. I needed a charger and he supposedly wanted to talk. I hate the fact that he can get anything he wants from me. We ended up having sex. I told him no, but he forced himself on me. I didn't want to but he just kept going so i just stopped fighting it and gave in. I probably wouldn't feel so bad if he lasted more than a minute. After the deed was done i went to Jose's house to get high and forget about what i did. I was pissed when it was all gone, but i bummed a ride. I wonder why he always runs back to me. Should I tell his girlfriend we fucked. I wish i could put Brandon behind me and close that chapter of my life, but every time i think he is out my life i turn around and he is threr